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| 7 months...Thoughts 7.29.08
How did my life end up like this?
Where is my life going?
There are certain points, times in my life, when I feel like things are happening for a reason. It’s a gentle pull or push, leading me to go down one path. It wasn’t quite the same for college. There wasn’t much of a choice. I just knew I was going. Certainty abounded. So I went. And from there I just did as I always did and floated. I got by. Charm and charisma, with ease I went through life without much of a care in the world. But then graduation crept up on me, like all things in life do, and I didn’t know where to head next, what was the next step. I had continually been completely destroyed by Kate, most of my friends were either still in school, or had plans of there own and were headed off in various directions to start the next phase. But where would I go? What would I do? The chance meeting with Andrew, my love for clothing, it just felt too perfect. There had to be a reason, so I took a chance and picked Philly. Chose to follow this path and see where it led. And now, one year later to the date, where am I? I’m doing almost exactly what I set out to do. I’ve moved up to part-time supervisor. I’m loved at both jobs. I have my own place and am not getting into more date at the moment. But what do I have? An ok little apartment, filled with clothes I don’t need and stuff just to take up the space. I still have no real direction in life. And the worst part about it is I have no friends. Sure I have co-workers I occasionally hang out with, but it’s not real. The ones I guess I could call “friends” are part-time, temporary. One has a long-term boyfriend, and a life completely separate from me that would not be affected one bit by my living this city. The others, well they have either already left town, or are on their way out. The two guys I had begun to hung out with, the first ones that I seriously thought I could be good friends with, have seem to have forgotten I exist. I have not talked to any of the past five roommates I have had in this town. I barely speak to my family, or my friends from college. The one childhood friend, my best bud, a practical brother, whom I moved so close to, has up and moved a little farther away and has unfortunately become engrossed in work. Girlfriends? It’s a joke. The most recent one relegated me to daytime hangouts involving sushi, coffee or shopping complete with the awkward hug goodbye. And has since not called since she last blew me off and I told her to call when she wanted to chill. The one before that was a psycho, who came on way too fast and smothered me, and recently texted me after three weeks of silence to tell me I still owed her $30, adding a rather unnecessary insult to the request. The only one in this city I have been truly interested in, and who had any real potential, seemed to have lost interest a few dates in and obviously has too busy a life to care. It’s the story of people in the city. Maybe it is just Philadelphia or maybe it’s the world or maybe it’s just me. Every single person seems to have his or her life complete, at least for the moment. Work and relationship and friendship fill everyone’s life and they just don’t feel like taking on more companions.
I hate meeting new people for the simple fact that the inevitable question of, “So what do you do?” will come up. Oh well I’m a college graduate who works retail and serves breakfast. I feel pathetic. I feel like a failure and I feel lost.
So where does this leave me? My life consists of Wednesday through Sunday, waking up at 6 am and going to one job, then filling a few hours by puttering around town, then going to the second job, my supposed main job. I leave there just late enough to not be able to go out afterwards without staying up far too late. Monday and Tuesday are my only days off and what do I do with them? I sleep in, then sit around the house watching movies all day. The only time I leave is to get something to eat, maybe.
Yes, at times I’m content, I’m happy and all is well with the world. Yet still many moments, are depressing and I’m simply miserable with life. If someone were to honestly ask me, “How are you?” my honest reply would be, “I’m getting by.” That’s all it is. I’m just getting by. There is no forward movement. There is nothing to look forward to in the near future. Not even in the far future can I see any real happiness. The one chance I had found to move ahead and have a new job, possibly find a meaning, well, the man who promised me that, who seemed to love me and want so sincerely to work with, seems to be avoiding the issue altogether.
Am old friend upon my admittance of being unhappy told me to fix it. So move, change jobs, find somewhere to be happy. In what city can I hide and not run into the same problems? Where can I go to find this happiness? I hate the south, and none of my good friends have moved to a big city where I want to be.
So I’m stuck. I’m stuck and I have no idea even where to begin digging to get out of the hole I’ve created.
And that my friends, is an update.
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| a while...it's been awhile since I've last written. maybe it's a lack of time. a lack of sanity. who knows, but on the cusp of a new year, it's a good time to reflect as so many do. but this won't be a list of shortcomings, of things to improve, more just a reflection of the better understanding of myself I have developed this year.
It's been a big year.
graduating
moving
falling in love
moving again
maintaining friendships
new jobs
responsibilities
it's been nuts, and it's flown by. I think I've come a long way. I'm still not the man I want to be, still working on improving myself but I think that this year, while not being a year of improvement, has been a year of contemplation, of deeper understanding and honing the image that I set my eyes upon for future improvements.
recently I have realized this; I'm a liberal, not so much in that I support the democratic party like the word would normally be used, but in the true sense of change. Of wanting to evoke change and accept change and I see the good change can bring. I just moved into a new apartment. It's an old warehouse building and my apartment is what would be called a "loft." A "raw space to do with whatever we please" as my now roommate once told me about it. It's nice. well it's a bit messy but I like it like that. But when I sit here, up in my bedroom above the bathroom, I stare out at the space and I begin to picture what I would do with it. What changes do I want to make...what else can be done with it. and I realize that I do this exact thing with so many parts of my life. When working at the coffee shop in college, I would have time to sit and chat with my co-workers and we would discuss new arrangements of furniture, or what we would change if we owned the place. I do this a lot. I just don't always like to accept things as they are. It's not that I don't think things are perfect or that I always see the downfalls in situations and people, it's that I always, always see the potential for better, or for improvements.
The comfort I get from this part of my mind is that I rarely am just ready to scrap it all and find something else. When I have difficulties at work, I rarely just put in my two weeks and go looking for something easier. Moving out of my first apartment here wasn't because of one incidence or done quickly. I thought about moving a few months in and stuck around for five. When I see potential it's not like envisioning a new landscape, a new situation all together. It's that I can see that the hard times, the rough edges that can cut so easily are either there to be gone through and smoothed over, or dealt with. Seeing the potential in the future and setting my eyes upon it is what gets me through the rough times.
As usual I doubt this really makes sense to anyone outside of my self, but I put it out there anyway.
I guess I just see a society that when their car doesn't want to start on the first try, they are ready to buy a new place. When the faucet in the kitchen drips, they decide it's time to move. But I refuse to yield to this mentality. I may not like the cards dealt to me, but I am thoroughly enjoying the game and know that after this hand, comes another, and another and a trio of aces waits in the deck to be dealt to me soon.
so in the new year, I plan to battle on. Will this year be spent in constant good times? probably not, but the good things combined with the potential will make it all worth it.
hope you're year was good and the next has the potential to be amazing. amazing in the most indescribable and indefinable way.
take care of you
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| BIG NEWS!!! and a random funny storyso I got word today that I have a new place to live. a really cool loft in fishtown with two chill girls and three awesome dogs. it's gonna be awesome. I can't wait. just have to pack all my stuff, rent a uhaul and move it all.....gonna be nuts.
so random funny story.
when I got my restaurant job they said I could either wear their black tshirt or any other black shirt with jeans to work. So I went and bought a black polo at H&M and a black v-neck at Urban Outfitters.
at one point while working there I walked into the corner of the dishwasher rack and cut my arm, plus ripping a hole in the sleeve of the polo (I'm known to be prone to clutzy moments of running into solid objects).
my manager told me to replace the shirt recently so i went yesterday with a friend and did some shopping and picked up a new polo. only 6 bucks but these polos are perfect. I love them.
so I wore it today, showed it off to the manager. 3 hours into my shift I remember the tag that has a spare button, which is sewn into the seam on the left bottom of the shirt. These tags annoy me and rub me so I began to see if I could remove it. Rather than get a knife or scissors I begin to pull on it, thinking it will just tear off. this is the point where instead of the tag tearing, my shirt tears, straight across the stomach. so they gave me a new Farmicia tshirt, and now I have a brand new H&M polo belly shirt. it's pretty hot.
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| a little cheer goes a long way.this is gonna be real random.
I find it strange how we try and create the ideals, yet still seem to miss sometimes. I was thinking about this when I looked a place to live last night. It's a loft, in what used to be a warehouse or factory. If I moved in I would have a bed above the bathroom that was built. the place is really just a raw space ready to do whatever with, but I love the idea of having a house made from a warehouse, or a business (coffeeshop or store etc.) made from an old house (i.e. midnight oil). It's odd that we build homes yet find sometimes that when we create something for one use, it's perfect for another. I've thought about this before when I seem to find the perfect sitting place on something other than a chair. Like kitchen counters. I absolutely love impromtu conversations in kitchens where first you're leaning, then someone just plops up on the counter, leaning against the cabinets and you end up sitting on counters for hours. There could be chairs, sofas, whatever less than 5 feet away but you end up on a non-sitting surface anyway. my goal for sometime in my life is whenever I have a place of my own, to create almost everything with multiple usage. not design counters that are seats, but allow for the possibilities. stuff like extra wide window sills.
anyway. life is pretty good. the promotion is going well, but it's a lot of learning and self-initiated things. It's odd to be on the other end, giving direction or helping make decisions. it's cold here and I love it. It snowed on my way back from the train last night. unfortunately it didn't linger on the streets but it was huge, fat, puffy flakes, whirling in the wind. It's going to be a crazy month.
1. start packing.
2. move sometime near the end of december...
3. fly to dallas for three days for an amazing wedding.
4. come home in the middle of post christmas shopping crazyiness.
5. work on some personal projects and christmas cards. I can't afford gifts for all so handwritten cards will have to do.
6. prepare for friends coming to visit in january.
7. train more as supervisor
8. continue to work ridiculous hours.
9. fit some down time in there
10. citizen cope concert on new years eve.
dang...life comes at you pretty fast.
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| um so yeaas soon as the paper work goes through....
this blog will officially be written by the newest part-time supervisor of Walnut St. Lucky Brand Jeans.
promotion...oh yea. check it.
so I have most of the "fourth wall" up, in way of blinds, and some canvas for the door. and I bought some sweet posters to make it feel a bit more comfy here. Finding a new place is a bit overwhelming at this point in my life so I'm just gonna try to get comfy and ride it out till the right place finds me...
I'm beginning to try and plan out my life. not so much like, 1 year I want to be here doing this. 5 years...married 2 kids....10 years...debts paid, house owned, three cars and 4 kids or anything. more....what I want to be doing, what my life would be if I was happy. no...that's not right. like...if I could be doing anything, what would it be. when I see my life and I'm happy, what am I doing. I think you get it.
anyway. I really want to find some random warehouse, or pier-building or something that I could live in, all barebones and fix up, make really cool. make a bunch of money off and then move to the next. do that like on the side of something more substantial and stable. I would really enjoy that. if I had like one or two friends to do it with, life would be grand. I mean lets be honest. I'm a klutz when it comes to I don't know, walking, but I can do some seriously nice work with wood and home repairs. and I have a great eye for space, and design and color. I would rock that job....anyway. I guess if I see the opportunity present itself in the future, I'll take it. but for now...I'll just be humble in my SUPERVISOR position.
supposed to snow tomorrow. that would be awesome.
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sidenote...I get 22 hours and 40 minutes...I'm thinking four of those will be sleep...so 18 hours and 40 waking minutes to spend with you...and you know who you are. I don't plan on wasting a single second.
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