| | Thoughts 7.29.08
How did my life end up like this?
Where is my life going?
There are certain points, times in my life, when I feel like things are happening for a reason. It’s a gentle pull or push, leading me to go down one path. It wasn’t quite the same for college. There wasn’t much of a choice. I just knew I was going. Certainty abounded. So I went. And from there I just did as I always did and floated. I got by. Charm and charisma, with ease I went through life without much of a care in the world. But then graduation crept up on me, like all things in life do, and I didn’t know where to head next, what was the next step. I had continually been completely destroyed by Kate, most of my friends were either still in school, or had plans of there own and were headed off in various directions to start the next phase. But where would I go? What would I do? The chance meeting with Andrew, my love for clothing, it just felt too perfect. There had to be a reason, so I took a chance and picked Philly. Chose to follow this path and see where it led. And now, one year later to the date, where am I? I’m doing almost exactly what I set out to do. I’ve moved up to part-time supervisor. I’m loved at both jobs. I have my own place and am not getting into more date at the moment. But what do I have? An ok little apartment, filled with clothes I don’t need and stuff just to take up the space. I still have no real direction in life. And the worst part about it is I have no friends. Sure I have co-workers I occasionally hang out with, but it’s not real. The ones I guess I could call “friends” are part-time, temporary. One has a long-term boyfriend, and a life completely separate from me that would not be affected one bit by my living this city. The others, well they have either already left town, or are on their way out. The two guys I had begun to hung out with, the first ones that I seriously thought I could be good friends with, have seem to have forgotten I exist. I have not talked to any of the past five roommates I have had in this town. I barely speak to my family, or my friends from college. The one childhood friend, my best bud, a practical brother, whom I moved so close to, has up and moved a little farther away and has unfortunately become engrossed in work. Girlfriends? It’s a joke. The most recent one relegated me to daytime hangouts involving sushi, coffee or shopping complete with the awkward hug goodbye. And has since not called since she last blew me off and I told her to call when she wanted to chill. The one before that was a psycho, who came on way too fast and smothered me, and recently texted me after three weeks of silence to tell me I still owed her $30, adding a rather unnecessary insult to the request. The only one in this city I have been truly interested in, and who had any real potential, seemed to have lost interest a few dates in and obviously has too busy a life to care. It’s the story of people in the city. Maybe it is just Philadelphia or maybe it’s the world or maybe it’s just me. Every single person seems to have his or her life complete, at least for the moment. Work and relationship and friendship fill everyone’s life and they just don’t feel like taking on more companions.
I hate meeting new people for the simple fact that the inevitable question of, “So what do you do?” will come up. Oh well I’m a college graduate who works retail and serves breakfast. I feel pathetic. I feel like a failure and I feel lost.
So where does this leave me? My life consists of Wednesday through Sunday, waking up at 6 am and going to one job, then filling a few hours by puttering around town, then going to the second job, my supposed main job. I leave there just late enough to not be able to go out afterwards without staying up far too late. Monday and Tuesday are my only days off and what do I do with them? I sleep in, then sit around the house watching movies all day. The only time I leave is to get something to eat, maybe.
Yes, at times I’m content, I’m happy and all is well with the world. Yet still many moments, are depressing and I’m simply miserable with life. If someone were to honestly ask me, “How are you?” my honest reply would be, “I’m getting by.” That’s all it is. I’m just getting by. There is no forward movement. There is nothing to look forward to in the near future. Not even in the far future can I see any real happiness. The one chance I had found to move ahead and have a new job, possibly find a meaning, well, the man who promised me that, who seemed to love me and want so sincerely to work with, seems to be avoiding the issue altogether.
Am old friend upon my admittance of being unhappy told me to fix it. So move, change jobs, find somewhere to be happy. In what city can I hide and not run into the same problems? Where can I go to find this happiness? I hate the south, and none of my good friends have moved to a big city where I want to be.
So I’m stuck. I’m stuck and I have no idea even where to begin digging to get out of the hole I’ve created.
And that my friends, is an update.
3
|
| | Posted 7/29/2008 11:29 PM - 70 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
- recommend
  - recs0
- share
- email
 - sent0
|
